Its raining today, which is fitting for how I’m feeling. My heart feels dark and heavy, and my eyes constantly flooded. Its been another tough day for my family. Seems like thats the norm right now. The oldest of 4 boys has accepted a call to serve a mission and has been dropped off at the MTC. He will be gone for 2 years and will be serving the people of Michigan. I hope they are good to him. I hope the people he comes in contact with understand that he has left behind his whole life to try and better theirs. Its hard to be SO proud and so sad at the same time. I could not be more thrilled about the man he has become and the choices he has made. But at the same time I am so sad that he will be in another state for so long, relying on letters and emails to communicate. I admire his faith and his strength to press forward and do what he knows is right, even though his life has almost been turned upside down.
This past month has been a true test of my faith. I find myself wondering why my dad is in the shape he is, when we are doing everything we are supposed to, including sending a missionary out. I often pray for my mom who is holding everything together, heaven only knows how. This last weekend while visiting I was informed that after several more tests on dads tumor, they have discovered that if chemo and radiation do not work they gave him 2 years to live. Of course there’s always the chance that number could change and often times it does. But to hear my mom say that out loud, and see the hurt and worry in her eyes was almost unbearable. I know she puts on a front for us, I know that when she is alone she falls to her knees and prays for strength to get back up and keep going. On the outside she looks to be doing okay, but if you look really hard you can see her broken heart and worrying mind. She talked of the blessings we’ve had and the peaceful feeling both her and my dad felt after several prayers together. Such a wonderful example of not losing faith in the Lords plan. She’s always been so strong. A quality I thought she passed down to me, But these days I’m not so sure. I seem to be struggling more than I’d like.
Work seems to drag on. I find it hard sometimes to engage in normal conversation. It’s almost like I can’t show any emotion because my mind is preoccupied and my heart is hurting. But it’s also nice to have a distraction. For when my mind is quiet that’s when I struggle the most. I think about my kids not knowing their Grandpa. Will he still be here? Will by youngest brother graduate high school without his dad around? How is my mom supposed to finish raising these kids by herself? I am in no way trying to dwell on the negative, but it’s hard not to at least think about what the future holds.
They didn’t tell my brothers that the Dr’s put a number on my dads life. As young as they are and as much as they’ve endured already she spared them the details. They’re too young to think about their dad not being there for graduations and weddings. Kids these days already have to grow up too fast. They didn’t want to add anymore weight to Bretts shoulders as he prepared to leave for Michigan either.
It’s hard not to feel alone sometimes although I KNOW that I am not. I know that Satan is working on my family in this time of sorrow and heartache. I can feel him when I get angry and upset about the circumstance. I can tell that in my weakest moments he’s there to pounce the second I decide that I’ve had enough. I cannot give him that satisfaction. I have to remember how many people are both here and on the other side helping me along. I have an army behind me and I could not be more grateful for all the kind gestures. I’m sure I made friends in the pre existence that are holding me up everyday. I have Great Grandparents, aunts, uncles and close friends that are pushing me forward and providing me with strength from the other side. For no trial is too big. I pray for these same angels to surround my parents. Pick them up, push them forward and give my dad the strength to fight.
I chose to come to earth and promised I would endure to the end, and so I will.