Life Goes On As Normal

Update: Dad is doing really well. He has been going to physical therapy to help improve the function of his left side. He can now button his own shirt and is getting around so well. He starts chemo and radiation in a few short weeks and hopefully will be on the mend. Although it hasn’t all been uphill. After meeting with Dr’s at the Huntsmen he was told more bad news. After several tests on his tumor, they discovered that his type of cancer is rare and isn’t curable. Now they can treat it with the radiation and chemo, but they let him know that eventually, (whether it be 6 months or 10 years) it will come back and we will start all over.

After hearing this news I was devastated. I was instantly angry and emotional. How could he go through all of this and not even be in the clear? I asked my mom several times if there was ONE more thing that could go wrong. As if everything that has happened already couldn’t be bad enough. I feel like I have been pretty accepting of everything thus far and kept faith that things will be fine. But hearing that sent me over the edge. My mom instantly disagreed and listed off several reasons to be grateful, several blessings that have gotten us to this point and then I felt bad. Here she was feeling just as terrible as I was I’m sure, and probably needing someone to lean on and I was making her hold me up too. I should be the one holding her up and keeping her thoughts positive, not the other way around. I instantly changed my tune and decided that being upset wasn’t going to help anyone or change the situation.

That being said I want to talk a little bit about how hard it’s been to just keep going everyday like normal. This isn’t a “poor me, I’m so picked on” post. Its just so much harder than I ever imagined and my heart aches for every single person fighting the same battle. I went to a family reunion with my husbands side of the family this past weekend. Everyone was cheerful and so happy and it was a great distraction but life almost doesn’t feel the same anymore. I feel like things are moving slower or maybe not even moving at all. Sometimes it feels like I’m standing while everyone else runs circles around me. Its difficult to explain. While at the reunion we went around the room and shared one thing we have learned in the past year. My mind was swirling but I wasn’t planning on sharing anything. I knew whatever I said would result in tears and I am quite frankly tired of crying. We had told Justins parents about my dad so they knew but several other family members didn’t. As the conversation was coming to an end, my father in law said “Now some of you may know that Kaylee’s dad is battling cancer, Kaylee did you want to share anything?” Before he even finished his sentence I was crying. I tried to get air several times to talk, but couldn’t. That was the first time I had heard someone say “He has cancer.” Obviously I KNEW that, but I hadn’t heard it out loud and it honestly stung. The word cancer sent a shock through my body. They waited patiently for me to compose myself and his Dad got uncomfortable thinking he had said too much. He hadn’t, he was just being kind. I eventually was able to look up and explain the situation to those that didn’t know. Tears ran down several faces including mine as I explained that nothing is more important than family and we cannot let anything get in the way of getting to the other side and being together forever. Material things don’t matter, even though we are dependent on them. The fact that you can’t get the extra weight off or don’t have the nicest clothes means nothing. You can’t take anything with you but memories and family, and its way too easy to lose site of that. If nothing else this has been a good reality check for me. A good reminder of whats important, and I think we all need a reminder every once in a while. I can’t help but remember that in the pre-existence I raised my hand and said that I could do this, knowing full well what was to come and how hard it would be. Heavenly Father also knew I could do it and sent me here, at this specific time for a reason. If he trusted that I could endure such trials, then I most certainly can.

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